“No More Pull-Ups.”

“Nice.”

These are the final lines of dialogue from “2012,” the mother of all disaster movies. Something like six billion people die in the movie, but gosh darnit, those cute kids and the lovable pooch make it safely to Noah’s Ark 2: Apocalyptic Boogaloo.

Don’t get me wrong. I’d much rather watch this 150 minute pile of absurdity than any minute of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” I just think it’s hilarious that on Oscar weekend, a time to celebrate the best of what the movie industry can offer, the #1 DVD rental in all the land will be a movie about the coolness of natural disasters. Maybe let Haiti skip this one for a while.

From the first time I saw the trailer for “2012,” I knew this movie wasn’t for me. John Cusack and Company outrun the total annihilation of Planet Earth via limo, plane, van, legs, plane, plane, Bentley, truck, rope, steel door, the ability to hold your breath underwater for five minutes at a time, and finally, giant boat.

Timing is everything when it comes to making dangerously close escapes. Somehow it all works out, and there’s even time for some hilarious banter.

“Dude, sorry I nicked your Mercedes.”

“No worries, mate. It’s not like my entire family just got vaporized by a giant supervolcano. Oh wait! Ha!”

Ok, so I’m exaggerating a bit. Still, the horrific imagery of crashing buildings and ground-shattering earthquakes would stir suicidal thoughts in people if the movie wasn’t so idiotic. Giant boats designed to withstand tsunamis the size of Texas can’t start the engine unless every door on the ship is completely closed. Dude, you can drive a car with four ***-damn doors open.

Lots of people die, but at least director Roland Emmerich found another cool way to destroy the White House.

If any of the “prophecies” presented in “2012” happen to come true, I hope the human race has a few days warning. That way we can all come together and take turns punching Emmerich in the face.

And honestly, who ends a movie about the end of the world with banter about diapers?