Normdog Entertainment

The only thing missing from “Unstoppable” is an Ozzy Osbourne-fueled credit sequence.

The crazy train in director Tony Scott’s thriller is a half-mile-long freight locomotive carrying explosive toxic chemicals. After a dimwitted employee leaves the train on auto-pilot, a slew of railroad executives, operators and local law enforcement try to stop the thing from derailing in a highly-populated area.

“Unstoppable” is kinda inspired by a true story, but in this case, the embellishments are the film’s strong points. Scott has crafted a trim, old-school entertainment that builds to an exciting confrontation between man and machine. Even through its silliest moments, “Unstoppable” establishes enough plausibility to make each turn of the track an edge-of-your-seat moment.

It helps to have two charismatic actors as the Everyman Heroes — Denzel Washington and “Star Trek” breakout Chris Pine play railroad employees in pursuit of the 70 mph beast. Washington’s Frank is on the verge of early retirement, while Pine’s Will is the confident newbie with marital woes on his mind. The characters may be stock, but Washington and Pine share enough natural chemistry to bring energy to the establishing scenes.

Of course everything that could go wrong with an out-of-control train goes wrong. Greedy railroad execs fail miserably with risky, cost-saving solutions, and the stalwart yard master (Rosario Dawson) scolds them appropriately. There are near misses involving children and horses, and both Washington and Pine have a couple close calls with really-fast moving pavement.

Scott, the guy who brought us “Man on Fire” and a few other Washington-led action vehicles, utilizes his typical hyper-kinetic camera style, cutting ferociously between every twist and turn. The antics work for “Unstoppable,” especially since most of the action is stunt-oriented and less reliant on computer-generated tricks.

And right on through the B-movie-inspired climax, Washington and Pine bring their A-game. You care about these guys enough to cringe whenever they attempt a death-defying leap, even when you know they’re going to survive it.

“Unstoppable” doesn’t try any high-brow subtext either. It’s just a good runaway train movie. Popcorn optional but encouraged.

Grade: B+

In his follow-up to the mega-hit (and slightly overrated) “The Hangover,” director Todd Phillips pairs that film’s breakout star, Zach Galifianakis, with Robert Downey Jr. in a “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” redux about two strangers forced to travel across the country together.

The comparisons to that previous road movie are inescapable. What matters here is Galifianakis and Downey’s solid comic timing, especially through the film’s more implausible moments. It’s more of the same weirdo antics from Galifianakis (a good or bad thing depending on the outlook), and Downey basically plays a meaner but still charismatic version of his “Iron Man” persona.

The movie gets predictably sappy in the final act, but not enough to completely dismiss the R-rated crass that comes before it. “Due Date” isn’t a great comedy, but it contains enough of what counts: Laughs.

Grade: B

Hiring A-list talent to voice cartoon characters is no new concept for Dreamworks Animation. Even in their best films, stars frequently headline the marquee (Jack Black is “Kung Fu Panda,” Mike Myers is “Shrek”).

“Megamind” follows the pattern, with comedian Will Ferrell voicing the title super-villain, Tina Fey as the love interest and Brad Pitt as Megamind’s heroic foil. The story riffs on the long-played superhero genre with energy to spare, but even with so much comedic talent, the laughs fall short.

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In the science-fiction chiller “Splice,” Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley play the stupidest scientists on the planet. Sure, they have the brain power to create blobby creatures from the DNA of several animals, and they’re able to splice human genes with those of a pig, chicken, velociraptor, Swamp Thing, etc.

But man, these people need to be wiped from the gene pool. As an act of pure hubris, Clive and Elsa decide to mess with the universe and create a human-animal hybrid that ages rapidly and wields a venomous tail. Then, even after the raging infant nearly kills one of them, they decide to raise the thing like a child.

Dumbest. Decision. Ever.

Elsa has weird mommy issues, and Clive frequently jumps between loving the thing and trying to drown the bald monster in the sink.

For a while, “Splice” entertains despite the inconsistent logic of our so-called “genius” protagonists. Then things get weird, and Clive and Elsa do things that NO person could do, like EVER.

Let’s just say the audience is treated to two instances of Inter-Species Erotica. Ewwwwwww!!!!!!

There are multiple scenes in “Splice” where Clive and Elsa listen to music while working. Too bad TLC’s “Waterfalls” never comes on. The whole “sex with mutants” thing would’ve never happened.

So next time, scientists, remember these words:

“Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls,
Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.
I know that you’re gonna have it your way or nothing at all,
but I think you’re moving too fast.”

Grade: C

Josh Miller takes on the third installment of "The Twilight Saga"

As of this writing it’s the fourth highest grossing film of 2010, yet holds a 4.8 on imdb and a 50% on Rotten Tomatoes. No matter how hard they try, critics can’t stop this franchise. I found the first two films abysmal in almost every way, but I did feel "New Moon" fleshed out the characters a bit more than the first film.

With that said, "Eclipse" stands as the best film in the series…But that’s not to say it’s particularly good.

Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) and Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) are now officially a couple and Bella is determined to have Edward change her into a vampire after graduation. Edward, meanwhile, is determined to have Bella marry him. Bella’s father Charlie (Billy Burke) wants Bella to spend less time with Edward and more time with Jacob (Taylor Lautner), who feels Bella is in love with him and would be making a mistake letting Edward change her.

While the film’s main focus is the love triangle between the three, the plot this time revolves around Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard, replacing a no-name actress) assembling an army of vampires to seek revenge on the Cullen clan.

The latest director to tackle the franchise, David Slade, handles this material much better than his predecessors, particularly the action scenes, but he also reinforces my opinion that no director could make this dreck convincing.

Slade achieves in the film’s main battle scene what Catherine Hardwicke and Chris Weitz failed to in their films, which is achieve a genuine sense of excitement and suspense even. Ah hell, it’s an entertaining scene. Slade achieves something unheard of in directing one of these films, but even he can’t overcome the poor script and insipid dialogue.

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America’s education system is broken, and, as you might guess, a bunch of people are to blame.

While such a statement doesn’t incite much controversy, it also doesn’t stir people to action. The new documentary “Waiting for Superman” will do both. It puts a human face on a staggering national problem and takes a harsh look at the individuals and organizations responsible for making it better.

Director Davis Guggenheim (“An Inconvenient Truth”) understands how to craft an entertaining documentary, which is the ultimate key to bringing about change. The film cites engaging speakers, eye-opening statistics and even a relevant clip from “The Simpsons” courtesy of Ralph Wiggum, America’s poster child for public education.

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Typically known for his methodical pacing and intimate scope, director Clint Eastwood begins his latest effort, “Hereafter,” with a terrifying action sequence. French journalist Marie (Cecile de France) is caught in a devastating tsunami. She dies, experiences something extraordinary, then is miraculously revived.

Don’t fret. Eastwood hasn’t totally abandoned his filmmaking style. The rest of “Hereafter” is an intimate character study of three people struggling to make sense of what happens after death.

Sadly, only one of these storylines carries any dramatic significance, and Eastwood, alongside writer Peter Morgan (“The Queen”) fumbles a climax that tries too hard to seam the three stories together.

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Old-timer CIA agents (Retired: Extremely Dangerous division) find themselves on the run from younger colleagues in “Red,” the action-comedy based on a lesser-known DC Comics series.

Bruce Willis leads the group of retirees, which include Morgan Freeman, Brian Cox, and most memorably, Helen Mirren and John Malkovich.

That premise, however, is deceptive, as much of the first half focuses on a budding romance between Willis’ hard-boiled agent and a quirky customer-service rep played by Mary-Louise Parker. Their banter is cute for about 15 minutes, but Willis walks through the entire film likes he’s on Lunesta (It seems like even Bruce is getting tired of his aging action hero persona these days).

Mirren and Malkovich add humor to the second half, and Karl Urban and Richard Dreyfuss aren’t bad as the R.E.D. adversaries. The plot, though, is ho-hum, and Freeman is wasted in a supporting role. In short, “Red” needs an engaging story to go along with its fun premise. And somebody please wake Bruce from his decade-long nap.

Grade: C+

Computer programmer isn’t the typical occupation of Hollywood’s heroes and villains. All the more reason “The Social Network” goes out of its way to blur the truth about the creation of Facebook.

In what seems like an impossible feat for even the most talented filmmakers, director David Fincher (“Fight Club,” “Zodiac”) and “West Wing” writer extraordinaire Aaron Sorkin have crafted a thoroughly entertaining and meaningful film about something as mundane as making a web site.

For all its characters, multiple perspectives and flashbacks, “The Social Network” operates on a core premise: The man who created a web site about making friends isn’t very good at keeping them in real life.

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With his slick hair and gigantic cell phone, the Gordon Gekko of Oliver Stone’s original “Wall Street” was the villain who made it OK to think Greed is Good.

Out of the slammer and plopped back into New York just a few months before the financial meltdown of 2008, the Gordon Gekko of Stone’s sequel “Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps” appears as a reformed man, warning his former colleagues of the impending doom.

As played again by Michael Douglas, Gekko is the same enigmatic figure we remember from the original film. Unfortunately, “Money Never Sleeps” is only a third of a Gordon Gekko movie.

Stone stuffs the movie with multiple storylines– most of them surrounding Shia LaBeouf as an ambitious trader who is lured into Gekko’s world. He’s juggling several complicated relationships: His journalist girlfriend (Carey Mulligan) is also Gekko’s estranged daughter, a ruthless competitor (Josh Brolin) is out to crush him, and his mother (Susan Sarandon) constantly needs money to salvage her fledgling Real Estate business. It takes a good hour and a half for Stone to even begin connecting the strands.

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